"I do not know you..."

This is something I felt that I wanted to address, not that anybody besides myself and maybe a few other people care...or should care.

Here is the annotated version of why as of June 27th, 2012, I have removed all Wax Idols and Blasted Canyons audio/video from my site.  I decided to finally lay it all bare, and let the chips fall where they may.  NOTE:  I've made a couple of edits for privacy reasons.

I guess I *am* truly delusional.  I am only human...all too human, after all, like Hether.  In a way, being called insane is a compliment of sorts, even as I'm sure it was meant to be the opposite.  I like to think with all I've done or haven't done in my life, that I can still sleep at night, but wonder if others value that, along with not being a dick to others.

There is a point where "fan" becomes a shortening of fanatic, and at that point that line should not be crossed.  Even if you think you know a performer/songwriter through their art, the true fact is that you CANNOT.  And you must not...  Lest you end up like me, being belittled by @hetherfortune and battling it out @chameleonsvox on Twitter, though I'm struggling to see how he continues to support her now.  It's pretty hard to have two people responsible for writing such great songs hating your guts, and I take no pleasure in it.





A Tale of "Ms. Fortune" AKA my own "Shit Split"

I probably shouldn't have sent this at all.  Credit missing my flight and some heavy stuff happening over the weekend during my sojourn in Lost Angeles. Plus a vodka cocktail, all before noon. All typed out finger-by-finger on my iPhone. I don't think I had done anything wrong really, I guess I was destined to butt heads with her at some point.


I should have sent this a long time ago.

Most of us lead lives of quiet desperation, and are too scared of failure and rejection to speak out.  I'm so sorry I've kept my distance the past few months...I think you already understand my dilemma, but I'm going to lay it out now. True friendship isn't anything that should be offered or granted casually, and no matter how many BC/WI shows I've seen or what else I've read following your crazy life, I can't presume to know you very much AT ALL...We all pass each other like ships in the night, don't we? And I'm pretty unlikely as they come, even if I do fit into the "older music fan" category in your Google stats...

If this results in a "FUCK YOU VERY MUCH" (or more polite variants thereof)...well, it's about what I expect and deserve. That's ok, I'll live. It's not a bad time to wish you well on your journey. But if you have room for my offer of friendship....if there is anything I can provide to help you further Wax Idols/Blasted Canyons/*anything*, please let me know. I was away over the weekend in LA watching the PTP shoegaze fest (Weekend were out of this world, as they always are, I couldn't help but notice you were transfixed for their museum performance)...which was why I wasn't able to make either show.

I only can wish for happiness and total fulfillment--physical/mental/spiritual--for you and whomever is there for you to share their lives and all of its travails.. There's too damn little joy to spare in this world, so however you got to this point in your journey is water under the bridge now. That this person is no other than one of the best living songwriters to grace this blasted earth still has put all of us in a state of shock...but you deserve no less, BELIEVE ME. If one is unmoved listening to "Tears" or "Soul in Isolation" or "In Answer" (yes, I know he dedicated this to you during his show in Barcelona), then that person is DEAD to all hope and life. I'm heartened to see that YOU ARE NOT, the world would be a MUCH less interesting place without you stirring shit up.

I hope this finds you well.

Xoxoxo,
Sam

It was subsequently noted that had I not mentioned song titles, I could have been talking about any number of previous frontmen that she had had her fill with. But this missive was in fact meant to be mostly complimentary, though of course there's a bit of an edge to it. Which she immediately latched onto, naturally. One cannot say that she's not intelligent or perceptive. The reply came about two days later.

Hi Sam.
I'm really not sure what to say in response to this email, or what it

is exactly that YOU'RE saying ..for that matter. I feel like I've
always been friendly with you & have openly showed appreciation for
your support. Beyond that, I'm not sure what else you expect of me.
You can't force a friendship or even just ask for one, in my book at
least. It has to be organic. Perhaps the reason why we don't know each
other better is because you only see me at shows (NOT a great time to
get to know someone) & when you do see me, you are quite shy & nervous
and don't seem to have much to say.
I'm a little thrown off here. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but
this email has honestly made me feel a bit uncomfortable.
Best,
Hether


I think she must have been on the debate team in high school. I got soundly put down in my place. I really didn't know…and still don't, what precisely I was trying to achieve from this exchange, except some process of catharsis or closure…what some folks would call "venting". Anyway, I sent the following back, which was pretty on point, and in reading it back now, brutally honest:

Your ability to get at the heart of the matter is astounding.

I'm thrown off as well. Nobody ever said that life was fair, right? I think I made a terrible mistake ever writing this, and you've punished me for it. It's what you're good at.

Goodbye,

--Sam


This is about the point where things really started going downhill. Think of a roller coaster ride where you finish clearing the crest, only to find out there aren't any seat belts…or rails. What the fuck did I just get myself into?


Sam, you're being EXTREMELY dramatic & it's totally ridiculous. You
approached me as a fan that was documenting music. I embraced you &
have been nothing but open & appreciative toward you. Anything else
you expect of me is YOUR issue & not mine. I am not indebted to you in
any way & for you to suggest that I am and put me in a position like
this is shocking and downright delusional.

You have a wife & children, a job, a life of your own. Live it. Enjoy
it. I've done nothing wrong here & I don't appreciate being insulted
by because you didn't get the response you wanted from me (and I'm
still not even sure WHAT it is that you want from me).


I broke this all down ("deconstructed") in my next reply. I sensed that I was somehow following a script that others have been through before. About ten minutes later, while I was composing that response, I got the message that told me I was pretty much past the point of no return. Yes, I got served...with the WOMAN card.


By the way - the fact that I am a WOMAN in a band you like is, yet
again, probably the biggest factor as to why you're acting like a
freak toward me. Thanks for being just another part of that silly,
annoying demographic of men that go around expecting things from women
simply because they are women.

Now I'm actually pissed.
Goodbye indeed.


Here's where I start getting pretty damn specific. And trying to leave some clues that I wasn't only interested in complete destruction, mixed in with the message that one cannot live amorally and expect the world to simply fall at their feet. I may as well been trying to bail out the ocean with my bare hands.


On Wed, Jun 27, 2012 at 3:36 PM, Hether Fortune wrote:

Sam, you're being EXTREMELY dramatic & it's totally ridiculous.

Only you are afforded that privilege, it seems. At least I'm breaking down directly and in private. I just couldn't take it anymore. I'm not exactly writing to heathernormal@ now, am I?

You approached me as a fan that was documenting music. I embraced you &
have been nothing but open & appreciative toward you. Anything else
you expect of me is YOUR issue & not mine.

Yes, you did. And in fact, I have the recording of the New Parish show from last Sunday ready to put up...even if half the audience were the other bands, it was still a good show. I was pissed that the Mallard only played to like six people though...Greer deserves better!

And I am still and will always be a fan of your music and writing, and will always be, no matter what you think of me now. It's astoundingly good. But you shouldn't need to be told that, least of all by me. This IS totally ridiculous. Do you think that people like Morrissey or Prince give a damn what some average schmoe thinks, or would even exchange email like this? So why do you?

How did you think it felt to keep reading that you needed money? I presume the pro domme gig's helping some with that, so that's good. Did you know how many times I had to stop myself from reaching out to you? Because I knew that this would just set me up for something like this down the road, since you're absolutely RIGHT, you don't own anybody else squat. Especially those that helped you getting onto Slumberland and seemingly got shit on in return.

I know, I know, I've heard only ONE side of the story, and you sure AS HELL don't owe me any sort of explanation about it. But still, do you think that people wouldn't notice that your moral compass seems to be a bit busted, or that self-consistency wasn't exactly your strong suit?

I am not indebted to you in any way & for you to suggest that I am and put me in a position like this is shocking and downright delusional.


I wonder how many other times you've had this kind of dialogue with people. I sense you're VERY well-practiced at it. Do you know how valuable delusion can be sometimes? It can keep somebody going in the face of utter futility, even if deep down they know it's all for naught. As you said, we're all swimming in the same toilet bowl.

As I write this, I see you're going to take this down the WOMAN angle. Really, Hether, really?  It's almost amusing to see you drag that out. What you say there is a truism. But I'm really only concerned about the HUMAN on the other side of this exchange, not about her attributes. As much as it is possible in this sick, twisted fucking society we live in. Maybe it isn't!

You have a wife & children, a job, a life of your own. Live it. Enjoy it.

Hahahahaha...are you kidding me? Actually, my wife/kids/job *are* great...but man, it can be a grind...You're right to be suspicious of the straight life. What you're really saying is "fuck off and go back to the world of the normals where you belong". I hear you. I probably should have stuck to the boring crap people who wear New Balance shoes listen to like Neil Sedaka or Journey.  Unfortunately, I seem to have decent taste in music, which includes yours. And you know this is part of my dilemma!  [Ed note: Yes, I was wearing New Balance sneakers when I wrote that]

I've done nothing wrong here & I don't appreciate being insulted
by because you didn't get the response you wanted from me (and I'm
still not even sure WHAT it is that you want from me).

"Here".

I'm really also venting because of other stuff going on, not involving work/family...well, not precisely true, [one of my kids] now has a female admirer in his class that seemed to have no problem sending a naked picture of herself and won't stop texting him...but am also dealing with some heavy shit with a couple of friends of mine, one of whom is [redacted], you remember them, right?...but I always believed in compounding my problems. Maybe I DID get the response I wanted. I really prefer it to vapid platitudes of endearment, and hope at least I get a raised middle finger pointed in my direction for my trouble the next time we cross paths.

By the way - the fact that I am a WOMAN in a band you like is, yet
again, probably the biggest factor as to why you're acting like a
freak toward me.

GODDAMN IT, I should have seen that coming. I AM SEXIST PIIIIGGGG!!!!! OINK OINK. How much mileage have you gotten out of that one? Naw, I know you'd much prefer it never ever come up and that you'd sink or swim on your own merits as an artist/performer/person, but remember, YOU brought it up....

And you would have thought I would have offered to buy you a drink at some point. Have I ever? Now, I did offer to buy Jen and the rest of the group one after the BOTH gig last year because of her mess-up, as I felt bad for everybody involved (you were absolutely LIVID at her then, I remember), but they all declined.

Thanks for being just another part of that silly, annoying demographic of men that go around expecting things from women simply because they are women. Now I'm actually pissed. Goodbye indeed.

That's your prerogative of course. I wanted to think I've treated you as a PERSON all this time, and actually now want to continue to do so. Do I now appear to be shy and nervous? If you're wondering, I'm NOT a keyboard warrior and absolutely detest anonymous cowards, and fully understand and am willing to deal with the fact that you must be fucking furious at me right now. I'm not sure what happens from here, this isn't exactly how I planned for this to turn out.

Before we part ways, I can solve one small mystery for you. You remember that Ace Troy Prince record at the Elbo Room show back in January? THAT WAS ME WHO LEFT IT. I would have told you, but when you posted it to your Tumbler wondering if the person who left it was some "hot guy", that made me feel pretty uncomfortable...since I didn't mean for it to be taken that way at all. I thought it was really cool and meant to give it to you in person, but it was getting late and something gave me the idea to just leave it on the merch table.


You can say I pretty much am free falling without a parachute at this point. Yet, in an odd way, her response only touches on a single observation that I made. You can guess which one it is.  Nothing about me, of course. I long ago figured out she doesn't really care for anybody except herself.  Indeed, it's turning out to be a shit split, no offense meant to those that have really suffered.


You are actually insane. You don't know me, you only know what I allow you to know. Nobody "helped" me get on Slumberland. I don't know or care who you've been "talking" to because I'm sure your relationship with them is just as one sided and twisted as yours is with me. Do not contact me again.

And an hour later:

PS Mike Schulman's reaction to your absurd accusation about Wax Idols on Slumberland (and everything else you've said) : "FUCK THAT." Oh and laughter. ;) Bye!


SPLAT, head first! I bet not many people have had the dubious distinction of having her call THEM insane, though. I plan on wearing it like a badge of honor. Ol' Papa Slumber's gonna have his hands full with her. Anyway, we were pretty much through at that point. I think my final response is all that needed to be said, really…the only thing I regret is she probably has a good idea at this point where that accusation came from.


It's *very* telling which part of my last reply you chose to focus on. If you want to find me, I plan on being at the Bottom Of The Hill tomorrow night [this all transpired on 6/27/12]. I have a feeling it's the last place you'll want to be, but I'm more than happy to be proven wrong. :-)

Point of fact: it wasn't my accusation.

Openly admitting to sharing private correspondence: top-notch.  [and now I finally retaliated]

I've unsubbed from your Twitter feed and have pulled anything and everything I've filmed of both your groups off of YouTube.

This will be the last message I send to you. I want to acknowledge loud and clear that I won't be contacting you again after this reply, messages sent to me from [either of your email addresses] will be set to bounce.

I wish you only success in your future endeavors. I'm sorry it had to end this way.

Best,

--Sam